Dealing with Jealousy in Open Relationships

Swingology A Lifestyle Podcast is for adult entertainment only and we are not licensed professionals. Our show features adults themes, language and descriptions of sexual acts & desires. If you are under 18, this is not the show for you. 

The ideas & opinions expressed are those of the speaker only and not of any company or entity and should not be considered professional advice. Now let’s stimulate your mind…

 Dealing with Jealousy in Open Relationships

Tori Kist and her husband Steve Kist share real life experience's about their swinger journey and how they both went from having jealousy issues to feelings of compersion. 
Listeners will learn 10 tips on how to move through jealousy and into feelings of compersion with a bonus of 3 affirmations for meditation. 

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Chapters

• 3:51 Compersion Muscle
• 4:51 Definition of Jealousy & Compersion in the LS
• 7:07 Open Communication
• 12:50 White Lies
• 17:49 Clear Boundaries
• 26:40 Insecurities
• 29:32 The Goal
• 33:18 Affirming Your Love to Each Other
• 38:14 Pivot!
• 40:17 Affirmations

Transcript

0:00

[laughs][music] You are listening to Swingology, a lifestyle podcast. Swingology is for adult entertainment only, and we're not licensed professionals. Our show features adult themes, language, and descriptions of sexual acts and desires. If you're under 18, this is not the show for you. The ideas and opinions expressed are those of the speaker only and not of any company or entity, and should not be considered professional advice. Now, let's stimulate your mind. Today we're going to be talking about jealousy versus compulsion. I love compulsion. I'm so glad you know what compulsion is, Steve, because when I entered the lifestyle, I did not even know what that word was. Can you tell the listeners what compulsion is? It's essentially the opposite of jealousy. If I saw my wife with another person, I might feel jealous. However, that's not the case. What I feel is a profound sense of happiness that my partner in life is experiencing happiness regardless of the source of that happiness. You're saying happiness, whenever you say happiness, I think of that little me and the little girl, the little boy, happy penis. Happy penis. Happy penis. Okay. Well, we're just ruined that word for everyone. That's a great concept of those, Steve. When you see your partner with someone else, do you feel compulsion or do you feel jealousy? So for me, I feel compulsion. Absolutely. 100%. How about you? Do you feel compulsion or jealousy when you see me with a beautiful woman? Well, now that I've been in the lifestyle for a while, just about four years, I feel compulsion. I'm so happy that you are having these intimates, an exciting and fun situations. I'm so glad that the female is experiencing your amazing, sexy energy, and it feeds me. It's in the beginning of being in the lifestyle, it did not feed me. In the beginning, I felt jealousy. But logically, I didn't want to feel the jealousy. It was just there. And I wanted it to go away. I wanted to reject it. But I didn't know how. I didn't know how to work through it. And I have an amazing soulmate and life partner that you walked me through my feelings and you validated my concerns and you helped me understand what the root causes were. And now I don't feel the jealousy anymore. Now, I'm excited and happy in the very beginning. I remember having the rule. Because you know, rules change, boundaries change as you're in the lifestyle. I had the boundary. If you're going to play, I need to be playing first so I don't watch you because it hurts when I see it. Like I don't want it to hurt, but it hurts. I remember saying that things evolved. And I'm so glad they did. I'm so glad we didn't just stop at that moment. There's so many times in our journey in the lifestyle where we could have stopped. But like, if you realize that that moment or that negative experience doesn't encapsulate the lifestyle in its entirety and it's just more of an isolated incident, you kind of realize that you can then grow and learn from those moments and become closer as an intimate couple. Yeah. One thing that I've learned is it's kind of like a muscle. It's a feeling, but it's like a muscle. If you go to the gym and you're working out, you feel like you're weak, but afterwards you're stronger for it. Well, we just have to flex the muscle of those emotions and work through and you can be stronger. And the strong version is conversion. Yeah, you do need to have a partner that is willing to be vulnerable and discuss openly all of their internal feelings and thoughts whenever it comes across any of these types of topics because you can't be walking on egg shells trying to get answers from someone. You're absolutely right. And you know what, I'm a total nerd and you love me for that. I did some research because that's what I love to do. I've put together 10 tips on how to navigate the feelings of jealousy and find conversion on the other end. But before we go into those 10 tips, let's just touch a base on the definition of jealousy and the definition of conversion. Jealousy in the context of an open relationship comes from the feeling of exclusion, insecurities, fear of abandonment or not feeling valued by your partner. So if you're feeling jealousy, it's probably from one of those things. And conversion in the context of an open relationship is feeling of happiness or satisfaction. When you see your partner have a romantic or sexual relationship with somebody else and it is possible. And it feels amazing. It really does feel amazing. Like, when you are a little kid and you want to Disneyland and you walk in and you're happy, that's what I feel now when I see Steve playing. I feel like I'm at Disney. This is great. I am like, my heart is singing. Yeah, I found a lucky one. Well in order to move through any feelings of jealousy that someone might have, you need a solid foundation. If you don't have a solid foundation, then no amount of open honesty, no amount of talking things through is going to actually resolve anything because the initial foundation, the basis of your relationship is on rocky ground to begin with. So if you don't come from a place of love and a secure place and if you're not coming from that and you have no doubts that your partner is made for you, then you should circle back and start there. Yeah, absolutely. You're not going to feel good about sharing your partner if you don't have a solid foundation. Okay, so let's go ahead and dive in to my 10 tips and I'm hoping to include some story time with these 10 tips. So Steve and I can share our experiences in regards to them. So the first tip that I have is have open communication and basically what that means is have regular discussions of your feelings and of your expectations and experiences completely honestly and that's to just ensure everyone's on the same page and my example, I love when we reconnect after a swinging experience. We talk through what what did you feel when this happened and how are you feeling now and what do you think could have changed or what do you what do you want to do again and those conversations, especially in the beginning of swinging really helped me understand my feelings. So like a little bit about Tori, I had a toxic relationship in the past. It was my high school sweetheart and it lasted through into my 30s. It was a long time of being in a toxic relationship and so I for a while after that ended, I was single and I didn't trust people. I didn't really know what was a healthy relationship. I didn't know what to have. So when I started swinging with Steve, he was just there to listen and support me and he pulled information out and I wasn't used to being so open and honest but I was vulnerable and I was like okay well at that point we were dating. I'm like if I'm going to say something and he doesn't like it, well we can just break up because we're only dating but no he wanted to hear my stories, he wanted to hear my heart and sometimes I cried and that was okay because healing sometimes comes through crying and he was just so supportive and so I hope every listener has a partner like I do and did that have an open listening and support each other. Do you have anything to add to that? It was a little monologue. I'm sorry I'm busy flaking tears out of my eyes right now, I can't focus. So here's a question. Looking back in the beginning when I was being so open and vulnerable with you after those swinging experiences and sometimes I would cry and what was going through your head? Be more specific. So we have a swinging experience and I enjoyed it but at the same time I felt jealousy so I, you know, we're probably driving home. I can remember sometimes looking out the window trying to be quiet. I remember one incident in specific that we were at our country club and you had just walked out of the bathroom and there was a girl all up on me and I think she was making out with me. I don't recall and I do remember you feeling a very certain kind of way about that and we talked it through so I was like okay so let's begin with why do you think you've felt that feeling? You discussed that you felt that she was walking on your terrain. And I was completely floored in my stomach sunk and I walk up to her, she's like greets me, she gives me a smile and says hello or something and then she just kind of escapes and I just kind of stuck there and I'm like what just happened? I was new in the lifestyle, I was maybe four months in. So I was still navigating my feelings and I wasn't quite sure what just happened. No one asked me to kiss you. I didn't know who she was. What did I miss out on? I thought I was missing out on something and you helped me navigate the feeling. Let's move on to number two. Why don't you tell us number two, Steve? All right. Number two is build trust, strengthen trust by being transparent and reliable and reassuring each other of the primary commitment you have with each other. The best way to build trust is to not lie, be reliable with your words and do not shut down your partner for whatever feeling they are feeling. Regardless of how silly it may sound to you, they are feeling that for a reason. They are taking the time to discuss that feeling with you. It is not that moment when you should be laughing, joking, ridiculing or saying they're crazy or silly or stupid for having that thought. Those kinds of comments will erode your relationship or they will cause your partner to not want to speak freely or tell the truth anymore because they will know that you will respond in a negative way. If you're in that kind of relationship right now, you do not have a set solid foundation. Yeah. Looking back on our relationship, especially in the beginning, remember I came from a toxic background and you built trust because I didn't know really what trust was until you came around. You are literally the first person that I feel as though I actually trust 100%. I didn't know what trust was. Even my parents, that upbringing was toxic. Being transparent and reliable. Those are some beautiful words. If you don't know what trust is, finding someone that is transparent and reliable, it's so refreshing because even you, when you were younger, you were a womanizer. Absolutely. You were not transparent. Nope. I would often tell lies. In fact, lying was so ingrained in my day-to-day behavior, I just called everything every lie. It was a white lie. And you were protective of your phone? Yes. Absolutely. I would not let anyone see my phone regardless of what relationship I was in with them because I know in the bottom of my heart that if I knew that if they saw or went to the wrong area of my phone, that there would be a reckoning. What is reckoning? Is that a fight? Yes. That would be like, you'd be wrecked. It would be the apocalypse of the relationship. And what about now, Steve? So when I met you and I realized on the second day that you were going to be my wife, I decided I was going to do this relationship differently in that I was going to start on a clean sheet of trust and openness. So I told you every dirty skeleton, every bad deed, every negative thing that I might want to hide from someone because I'm trying to impress them. I just laid it all out and I told myself, you know what, that's a lot to dish out to one person on the second date. But if they know and can accept all that on the second date, then I can start this relationship never having to worry about my phone, never having to worry about telling a lie or trying to remember the truth because I will start this relationship with 100% honesty. And I absolutely love that you did that. In fact, I remember that conversation. It really sums up to just like three things and one of them, you know, I don't know if you ladies out there that are dating around or like me, but I found someone that I was interested in. So I didn't buy little online research and see like Google his name, Google his phone number and see what you can find out of this person. So I did that. So when I came to date number two, I already knew one of his little secrets. And so when he was telling me all of his little dirty deed and he said that one, I was like, OK, well, I already knew that. OK, so this is all you got. It's actually what I said. I remember leaning in the kitchen on the couch. And I was like, that's all you got. You did say that. And I was kind of like taking it back. I'm like, that wasn't a small amount of stuff. That was a lot. Yeah, having transparency, it's so refreshing. I hope everyone here can have that in your relationship. And that is definitely how you build trust. So one of the things that I didn't know at the time beginning our relationship that way, the amount of anxiety and stress I had about my phone just completely vanished. And I was like, I never have to worry about that ever again. And I remember every time an ex would ask me, hey, can I see your phone so I can order pizza, or can I see your phone because or can I see your phone because mine's the dead or dying or whatever. Enter your excuse here. My stress would skyrocket. And I would be sweating bullets. And I would be so concerned about what they were doing on my phone. I couldn't think straight because I knew that what we had in that moment could be just gone if they just went into the wrong area of the phone. And I didn't realize how that was holding me back in life and how much stress that was creating until I was in this relationship for the first time where I never had to worry about that again. The first time that you asked me for my phone, it was so easy for me to give it to you. And then I realized that I didn't have that stress for the first time. I felt so liberated. I felt like I even remember getting super excited and telling you all about it. Like, hey, I just realized a big part of my life is gone. I'm like, I have to tell you about it right now. I'm so happy that you found that freedom. And my ex, my high school sweetheart ex, he was the same way. He would kept his phone private. So I just kind of knew, you know, leave the guy's phone alone. But now I have your passcode, you have my passcode. It's an open phone policy. Yeah, absolutely. There's nothing I at this point. We are one. We are. Number three on my tips to work through jealousy and go into compulsion is set clear boundaries. And this is something that you do together. Establish and agree on specific boundaries and review them periodically. Now boundaries are not hard, fast rules. Okay. They are set of guidelines. We want to stay within the guidelines. But sometimes, you know, like in football, you end up running out of bounds. So what happens? So that could be part of your conversation when you're setting these boundaries. What happens if this does happen? I know I'm not supposed to do this, whatever the boundary is. But what happens if it does? I'm not planning on it. But what happens? And that's part of that open communication. After the swinging experience, if you know a boundary was crossed, talk about that immediately, how clear communication after it happens. And come from a place of grace because you trust each other to hold those boundaries and respect them. So if an accident happens once, then give grace. If it happens consistently, well, that's a problem. I remember one of our boundaries that we relaxed was one of the first ones. And it was the boundary of, you know, when you play, I play. And we both needed no. One we're playing together. We went to this couple's house. They had a hot tub. We were all four of us playing a game in the kitchen. Then you and the husband went to the hot tub. Me and the wife continued hanging out in the kitchen because we were already vibing and we were enjoying our conversation and we were just content with staying there and being dry. You were in the hot tub and then you were kind of put in a situation where he was touching on you and you were touching on him. And then, you know, one thing led to another and you're kind of stroking his cock and you're not. Now, you're kind of feeling uncomfortable because you feel like the boundary that we had in place was like, I need to go ask my husband and make sure that this is okay. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, I was with this wife and we continue talking and she starts getting touchy and then she asks us if she can kiss me and we kiss for a little bit. And I'm like, you know, I really need to get my wife involved right now and we met each other in the doorway while we were on our way to tell each other about what was going on in each of our little scenarios. And we realized the boundary we had was in the way in that moment. It wasn't like, it wasn't protecting us anymore. It was in the way from us being able to enjoy our own experiences. Yes. And I actually remember another example that we ended up changing our boundary. We went to a house party and this was when the boundary was, if you play, I play, if I play, you play, we only play if the other person's play, that was the boundary. So we go to this house party and I like the party vibe, okay, but the clientele, I don't know what words to say, the people that were there were not my type to play with. They were of an older crowd. I could talk to them all day long. So there's that satiosexual type of energy there kind of, but I was not thirsty or really wanting to play with any of them. However, you like older women because they come with some confidence. Yes. And they have great energy. And so you wanted to play. I remember we did our little walk around the house. We got drinks. We did a little talking and networking, talking to people. We reconnect privately to say, who do you like, who do you like, whatever. And I said, I don't really want to play with anyone here, but I want you to play. And you said, but honey, I only play if you play. And I said, you know, I really feel like I want you to play, but I don't want to. And you sat there for a moment and you had to digest changing that boundary. And do you remember that? Yes, I do. I remember that. It took me a minute to like, first I didn't need to make sure like, okay, is this a real boundary that we're cutting away? Is this really happening or is my wife testing me? Should I not say that I want to do this because then I'll get a negative reaction. So I remember thinking all of these little things. And I just realized like, no, my wife's being genuine. And I should be okay to play. And so I took a moment. I thought about it. I realized that's the direction that I was going to go. And once I made that decision and you saw that I had made that decision, your face lit up. And you said, that's great. And I, that was affirmation enough for me to play. Okay, I'm going to go play. And so like that particular house, big beautiful house, they had a fire pit in the backyard. I have a love for fire pits. I don't have one at my house yet. So I'm like, I'm going to go sit out by the fire pit. So I go out to the fire pit and join the stars. A newbie couple comes in rather late. They're younger. They want to be in the lifestyle. They're exploring options, but they haven't really done much. They got to the fire pit and we're talking. And you know, I think we talked for about 45 minutes. Then I was like, well, guys, do you want to go into one of their rooms and just see what happened? Like, just to see like we don't have to do any swinging. We could just kind of massage each other. Like, I wasn't, I wasn't trying to be thirsty. I wasn't trying to swing and neither were they, but they were kind of curious to see what would happen. So we went to one of the side rooms downstairs, remember? And the guy, he's used to locking the door whenever he goes in a bedroom. So he locked the door, but that was a whoops. And we did end up swinging. And it was me and the couple else. So I was kind of like their unicorn for the night. And when you went to look for me when you were done playing and then you realized, wait, she's not outside. She's not in the kitchen. There's only one other place. You go to that room. The door is locked. What are you thinking? You had just got done telling me that you weren't feeling anyone here at the party. And then so now I'm listening. My ears to the door. I hear your voice on the other side. You're in there. And I'm like, OK, well, I really don't want to ruin her moment. But at the same time, I did kind of want to check in a little bit. So I knocked on the door and you came out and you're like, sorry, we didn't know it was locked. That was fun. That was just a great example of where boundaries sometimes need to be tweaked, especially in the moment. In your communication level and your comfort level, of course, but I'm glad we did that because I did end up playing. You know, and we evolved. Yeah. We talked about why it was OK for us to drop the boundary in that moment and we realized as couples and you're entering the lifestyle, the boundaries are in place to protect your relationship. Oh, that's good. That's the reason why you have boundaries. So if you feel like kissing another person is going to ruin your relationship, you develop a boundary of a no kissing role, which is a terrible role. A lot of people in the swing or community do not like that role, but everyone needs to feel safe. So if that's your role, hey, own it, that's fine. You will find the people that are cool with it. It just takes time. Yes. And maybe shame on me for dogging that role right there. That's OK. We're all learning. We have rules that people cringe at too. Do we know? Yeah. What's our rule for people? For example, we sometimes don't play in the same room or maybe you can play that and I don't or I play and you don't. And other people, they might have their hard fast rule when we play together or we only play separate or whatever. Number four on our list, getting past jealousy and into a state of compulsion for your partner is address insecurities, which basically means work on your personal insecurities. If that means going to therapy or using self-help resources to build your own personal self-esteem and self-confidence in my case, my husband Steve, he was my partner and walked me through and now honestly, he has had like some training with therapy. Like he used to be like a therapist for a little while. No. And I have never had a therapist or certificate, but I was like a volunteer, like just someone that was willing to listen and help couples through some difficult times at a church I was going to at the time. Yeah. So he has experience. That's what I meant to say. He has experience helping people through communicating with couples. That's basically all it was. So you are the couple whisperer, you've actually helped couples work through situations and which we will talk about at another time. Oh my lord, okay. Number five is focus on the primary relationship. This should be pretty obvious, but even Steve had to work on this in the beginning, we will get to that. What I mean by focus on the primary relationship is prioritize quality time together to maintain your strong emotional connection outside of swinging. So let me give a better picture of what I meant. We were basically swingers from the beginning of our relationship. I read when I was just in research for about a month and then I became a swinger. So we've been swinging almost the entire time we've been together. And in the beginning, I felt as though that Steve was a little on the thirsty side when it came to swinging. And what that made me feel like was second. We would go to the country club or wherever we went to the swinging event. And I felt as though I was kind of put on the back burner for later and he was looking for his primary dinner that night. You know what I'm saying? And it made me feel less than. And so we had communication, we talked it through and through time, he decided you know what, we're going to establish a date night because my love language, if you know the five love languages, my love language is quality time. So when we would go out, that was our quality time and you know, I was feeling less than. So he quickly established we're going to have a date night every week. At least one date night where it's just you and me, we're going to go maybe it's to the lake, walk around, maybe it's to dinner, the movies, hold hands. We're going to have just our quality time to connect. That way when we do go to swinging events, that's going to be secondary to our primary. Do you remember those? Yeah, I think, I mean, I needed to grow a little bit. I did need to realize that through experience, plane isn't the goal. You know, it wasn't the time. See that one more time, babe, nice and loud. Everyone needs to hear this. plane isn't the goal. If you make friends, then plane naturally happens. If you stop searching for plane and just go unexpectedly to make friends, you end up having a much better time and much better experience and you create genuine long-term relationships. I love how you just worded that so eloquently. Absolutely. 100%. That was 1%. 6. On my list is equal participation. What I mean by that is ensure both partners have an equal say in decisions and activities. This will foster a sense of fairness and respect. It's kind of like going back to establish clear boundaries, but it's more than that. Equal participation, even outside of swinging. What are you going to do on your date? About childcare or pet care or your hobbies, whatever they are, gardening, equal participation in all areas of your relationship. There is a sense of fairness and respect. If your partner is feeling respected by you and there's fairness in the relationship, they're going to have that trust. They're going to have that open communication. All of that ties in. Okay, but now let's focus on some relationship dynamics because there are some relationships where the wife will go out and play but the husband will not. Where's the equal participation in that? That works for them. We know that it's not like in my mind, I'm thinking equal participation doesn't have to be absolutely necessary. Equal participation doesn't mean we're both swinging at the same time. Maybe equal participation in that example that you gave is the guy that proves this situation. It feeds him. Maybe he loves the mystery, the idea of she's doing something and I don't know what it is, but she's going to come back to me and it's going to be so wrong. They're going to have their own fireworks when she returns and she's going to have these stories. Or maybe she's sending him little video clips and he's just like sitting there all suspense waiting to see the little nugget. That could be their dynamic. So yeah, that's equal participation. It just to put everyone, you know, the kinky or you can get sometimes the better. Okay, all right. I get that now. Number seven is reassurance and Steve is fantastic with the reassurance. If you are a words of affirmation type of person, you need reassurance and what I mean by that is regularly affirming your love and commitment to each other and this provides the reassurance that the relationship is secure. And I love words of affirmation and especially because of my toxic relationships from the past, I need it. It's not that I want it. It's that I actually need it and you're so good at consistently telling me how solid we are and feeding me with, you know, the reassurance that I need. What about you? Do you have anything to add to reassurance and affirmation? In this category, when I need reassurance about something, I go directly to you and I let you know exactly what I need. I'm like, love, I am feeling right now that what you said earlier makes me kind of think that there might not be a future for us. Is that what you meant for me to understand out of that conversation or did you mean something else? And of course, you came out like, what are you talking about? But I mean my lizard brain, that's how I interpreted. So when I need reassurance about something, I just go right to it. I'm really quick about just like, hey, let's talk on this real quick because I need something. That goes back to open communication. You know, use your words. We are adults. You know, if you need to set us at a time, we need to talk. Don't say those words because some people are like, that's a trigger for some people. So maybe not say it that way. Say we're all good, but I need reassurance in this area. Blah, blah, blah. All right. Number eight, reflect on motive. Continuously reflect on the reasons for having an open relationship and ensure they align with both partners, desires and comfort levels. I think that is important. It is good to check in with each other and sometimes when you feel like, how many couples have we talked to that were like, why are we doing this? You know, they're swinging, they're having fun. But then at some point for some reason, they look at each other and they go, why are we doing this? Why are we still doing this? And it's like, we had our fun. We're good. We don't need to keep going. And those kinds of conversations need to be had because maybe you don't realize that you already got what you wanted out of the experience and you don't need to revisit it again or perhaps that you're in a relationship where you both want unique experiences that happen frequently. So just checking in on each other, talking about why are we doing this, making sure you're both still on the same page, doing that every once in a while is healthy. That way you're not unknowingly leaving your partner behind in a situation that they haven't discussed with you. I have a question for you, Steve. Then I have an answer. Looking back when you began swinging, what was your motive? My motive for swinging. Like at the beginning, are we talking high school? When you started swinging, what was your motive in the beginning? I'm going to say it was to make my girlfriend happy at the time. And then it quickly blossomed into a very, I'm going to say selfish. I need to play with people kind of thing. It's like, that's when you became a womanizer. Yeah, for sure. That was the awakening of the womanizer. Tori, how about you? When you started swinging, what was your motive for swinging? Okay, great question. So mine is twofold. I first started researching swinging because you said we were dating at the time and I was falling madly in love with you and I didn't want to lose you. And you said, when I got you tipsy, you whispered in my ear and you said, you know, I always told myself if I was going to be with another person that she would have to be a swing or with me. And in my tipsy brain, I was like, check. I got this. I can do this. So I dived into research because in the beginning, I didn't think I could do it. So I was like, well, let me just research. See what swinging is all about. Give it a go. See if I can do this. So my motive was to keep you because I didn't want to lose you. And it quickly evolved into freedom and excitement. And I've met so many amazing people like, wow, the lifestyle is just so freeing. Like there's no judgment. There's just hedonistic living. It's just have fun. Relax. Be cool. Have, you know, like, I don't know. I freaking love the lifestyle and I'm so glad that you whispered those tipsy words in my tipsy brain that night because here we are podcasting about it. Yeah, that's true. Yes, by and large, the lifestyle community is judgment free and they're kink friendly and you, but there's always going to be bad apples in every group. I'm not going to say beyond guard, but just be aware that you might come across a bad apple early in your endeavors of venturing into the lifestyle, recognize it for what it is. And what are you going to do when it happens to have this conversation? Realize that that is not the norm and move on. Yeah, pivot. Yes, that we could have a podcast all about pivoting. Be quick to pivot. Don't think, excuse me, don't take things personally. Pivot and remember, you're with your partner. So in the end, have fun with your partner. Number nine and 10 on my list, go side by side. They go together. Nine is take breaks. If jealousy is over a warming, take breaks and focus on resolving your underlying issues. Once number 10 takes that a step further, seek professional help, consult a counselor, experience with non monogamous relationships to navigate super complex issues. Honestly, I feel like we don't have any experience with those nine and 10. We really don't, we don't let it get that far to where something is overwhelming. We haven't had the jealousy become that overwhelming. We were able to move through it before I got to that point. Not everyone will be as lucky. I'm just saying, I do want to point out, there are counselors out there that specialize in non monogamy. So seek them out. And I actually would love to find a counselor that specializes in non monogamy, not for my own therapy though, that might be good. But to interview and to pick their brain and hear, you know, their tips, that might be so interesting. Okay, Steve, I have a bonus. Okay. What's the bonus? The bonus is for our listeners and for you and me. I have three affirmations. Obviously, we know affirmations will not heal anyone or fix anything. However, I see personally affirmations as a vitamin that will help give you a little boost. So let me share some affirmations that might help, I have three of them that might help you as you're navigating through jealousy and into comparison. Number one, I am fully confident in the solidity of my relationship. I love that. Number two, my partner is desired by others and that is sexy. I know that while other people may enjoy them for a time, they are my soulmate and life partner and will always come home to me. My partner is desired by other people and that is sexy. I know that while other people may enjoy them for a time, they are my soulmate and my life partner and they will always come home to me. Because they will, they are your person. They're just playing. Okay, number three, our experiences and partners will never be equal and that is okay. I'm happy that my partner is happy. So this goes into when you're trying to make those elusive four-way vibes and maybe you get to the bedroom, you find out that me and the other wife have explosive sexual chemistry and you and the other guys are dead. I remember this experience. He was such a flirt at dinner. She gave me all the little eyes and the footsie under the table, brushed my hand sometimes just by accident and knew exactly what to say. She was quite quiet actually at dinner. But once we got to the bedroom, you guys were fireworks and this guy was not. I remember that was again in the beginning when I had to have my play experience so I didn't feel any things of jealousy or missing out. And I remember watching your connection and on one level at that point, I was happy for you but on the other level, I felt like I wanted to feel it too. It wasn't fair. So that is an example that your experiences and your partners, even then amount of partners will never be equal. But that's okay and that we should be happy that our partners are happy. Guys, thank you so much for listening. I wouldn't be here without you. Actually, I would but no one would be listening. Thank you for listening. You're the best and let's connect. Let's connect and stimulate your mind. Stimulate your mind. Thank you so much for listening to Swingology. I'm truly honored to have you as a listener. If you liked what you've heard, consider subscribing to our podcast or connecting with us on social media, the links can be found with the episode show notes. This is Tori Kist reminding you to stimulate your mind.[Music][BLANK_AUDIO]