Swingology A Lifestyle Podcast

The Lifestyle Failed You

• Season 1 • Episode 18

Share episode

Send us message! Please include your contact details in the message.

Swingology A Lifestyle Podcast is for adult entertainment only and we are not licensed professionals. Our show features adults themes, language and descriptions of sexual acts & desires. If you are under 18, this is not the show for you. 

The ideas & opinions expressed are those of the speaker only and not of any company or entity and should not be considered professional advice. Now let’s stimulate your mind…

The Lifestyle Failed You

Tori Kist and her husband Steve Kist share their real life experience's while in their swinger journey.   

Connect with us on other platforms for even more fun!

www.torikist.com
https://theswingology.com/
https://youtube.com/@swingologypodcast?si=ihPCP5vIyPfr8Mcn

See inside Tori's Toybox here 
Use coupon code "Tori10" to save 10% on every purchase. 

Credits:

Audio source: MusicRevolution

Adobe Stock Asset ID: #528339046

License code: ASLC-309AF645-53F9C6CFCA

Thumbnail image: Created by Tori Kist 


Support the show

[laughs][music] You are listening to Swingology, a lifestyle podcast. Swingology is for adult entertainment only, and we're not licensed professionals. Our show features adult themes, language, and descriptions of sexual acts and desires. If you're under 18, this is not the show for you. The ideas and opinions expressed are those of the speaker only and not of any company or entity, and should not be considered professional advice. Now, let's stimulate your mind. Welcome back everyone to another episode of Swingology, a lifestyle podcast. We're your host, Tori Kist. And Steve Kist. And today we're going to be talking about lifestyle fails, boundaries, and even leaving the lifestyle.[singing] We've talked about our lifestyle fails on this podcast in the past, so I don't want to repeat any stories. I mean, we've got some recent ones we can talk about. We do. We like to look back at the lifestyle fails that we've had, and either laugh at them or learn from them. Do you have any or so ones you like to share? It's hard to talk about these. We had spoken to a single female who was interested in getting involved in lifestyle, hadn't participated in any LS or lifestyle events, hasn't gone to any LS establishments. I took the time to explain some of the common etiquette, some of the things that you would expect she expressed interest in going to an LS established location and maybe participating in the playroom. I took her to the country club, went to the playroom. We had someone that she had an interest in playing with somewhat of an interest in. I think the best word to describe that was not opposed to playing with this other individual. It was another single male and consent was obtained to receive oral onto the guy she was going to blow him while I was fucking it from behind. Well all of this happened without lay words. Yes, I mean, okay. He was like implied. He was like next to her and she just put it in her mouth and it just kind of happened. Right. But she did tell me that she would like to have this happen. There was communication with the guy about what was expected and things like that. It's not like we entered into this blind. But in this interaction, I continued playing with the friend that I had brought with the evening and my wife had decided to go find her own little enticing prospect of entertainment. While we were alone with this other guy, he had decided he needed to go use the restroom, which was fine. He left. While he returned, he had used his fingers and was starting to finger her while I was fucking her. What I didn't realize and it had never occurred to me before because I always looked at it as consent as like a first base consent, second base consent, third base consent all the way to intercourse, right? You wouldn't have intercourse with someone and then ask to kiss them. That doesn't normally compute for me. That's backwards. Right. If you just blew someone or if you're going down on someone, you wouldn't then ask if is it okay if I touch your thigh. This particular person that I had brought to this establishment was silently not okay with what was going on. The unicorn, the new girl. Thankfully the fingering didn't last too long. It was like what, 20 seconds, 30 seconds maybe and he asked to play and my play partner at the time. Like I said, no, I'm good. Thank you. That was the end of it. So we left and I had assumed that my play partner had a fantastic experience. She got exactly what she wanted. She worked as an undercock. Well, yeah, that happened too. So there was no indication to me that she had an unpleasant experience, but she came out and said that was a terrible experience. And I assumed she was being very sarcastic. I'm like, oh, yeah, that was awful. But her facial expression didn't indicate that that was a joke. And I said, well, what do you mean what happened? And I'm of course now shocked in the Paul and she explained how she didn't want the guys fingers in her. And I just, that was my fail. I'm like, how, like I'm very protective of the people I bring in the lifestyle. How could I let this happen? Right. I see you're taking responsibility because you brought someone new into the lifestyle. It was her first time in the Orge of Room at the Country Club. Luckily the Orge of Room was not busy that day. It was very, very empty, but it's also up to her to speak up. And it's up to her to know what she wants. And if she doesn't like some things, speak up and not hold it against anybody else. It's not like you said, hey, come stick your fingers in her vagina right now. You didn't say that. You were minding your own business. And as soon as you found out she didn't like it, you put a stop to it. So as far as I know, I think you did the right thing. It wasn't a fail. She's not here to speak for herself. So I know for a fact if she was here to speak for herself, she would say that she said twice that she was not appreciating what happened. I didn't hear it. But she's made that clear that she had spoken up twice. I don't know if she was mumbling it or what have you, but I simply, I didn't hear that at all. This is a good example of a fail that we're not going to laugh at because there's nothing funny about it. We're going to learn from this one. We both learned something from that play experience, the friend that I had brought. She learned that she needs to speak up for herself and not depend on someone else to speak up for her. And I learned that even if you have permission to do one thing, it doesn't equal or translate into something less. For example, going from intercourse doesn't mean that you have permission to go down on them. Yeah, I always like to ask, but I'm really cautious. I mean, everyone's different in a lifestyle, of course. But the people in the lifestyle, I'm going to be comfortable around and I'm going to be comfortable with. I go with the, is it okay if I touch you? Is it okay if I kiss you? And then everything else after that, we talk about boundaries and we respect boundaries. But I don't find myself having to ask permission about too many things beyond that. Like I don't have to get to the point where is it okay if I touch your breasts or is it okay if I go down on you? Like normally, I know based on vibes, if it's going to go further than that and it's like implied consent at that point. That's a very language that says a lot. Right. So like obviously if I've asked to break the touch barrier, I've asked if I can kiss you and we're kissing and all of a sudden she starts taking off her shirt and we're going to town. Like obviously, what, where was the next stage of consent? Right. Those are the type of people I'm comfortable with. If I feel like I need to ask for consent to, can I touch you? Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob? Is it okay if I take your pants off? Is it okay if I do this? If I have to ask at every stage of a play session, there's nothing, I don't find a lot of fun or entertainment about that because I'm not because I don't want to do it. It's because, and it's not because there's a lack every aspect. It's because I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and I don't want to feel like I'm walking on egg shells if I'm having sex with someone I want to have fun and fun involves talking and laughing and giggling and throwing someone across the bed and pinning someone's arms down. I ask sometimes, hey, if I'm too rough with you, just let me know. Usure words, I self correct very easily. And these kinds of things are usually discussed before entering that kind of scenario. So they are all fully aware of what kind of energy I bring to the bedroom. Sometimes you're going to start interactions with people and you're going to know like, okay, this isn't really my vibe. And it's okay to stop and take a step back and pivot. Tori, give me an example of one of your recent fails. I have so many. I don't think you do. Okay, fine, I don't have a lot. Okay, so what are my recent fails? And this is not one that I laugh at. This is definitely one that I learned from. This story brings me to a vulnerable emotion. So here you guys. So long ago, rather recently, we met another unicorn at a hotel and we vived over some pizza and some soda. And I was just getting red flags. I didn't want to go to play time with her and didn't really want my husband to either, but he was definitely feeling the vibe and in a hotel room, like we didn't have a table and chair and a couch or anything, but I was just two beds. And so I stayed on one bed and my husband and her were on the other bed and touching happened and he was making eyes and trying to indirectly tell me to come over and start touching her too because she was starting to get all feeling and touchy. And I wasn't feeling it. I had red flags. I decided to just excuse myself. You know, my husband was feeling the vibe. I didn't want to tell him now. I wanted him to have fun. So I excuse myself and I left and they were fine with that because I don't have to be present when my husband plays. That's our personal boundary. I don't have to be there. So I went home and I was hoping that I would find peace because I have literally found peace before, not in the situation. But this time I didn't find peace. Instead of having peace, I was more like rocking my internal world. I was feeling really stressed out. I couldn't fall asleep. I took like three melatonin. I still couldn't sleep. I had anxiety and I basically stayed awake all night waiting for my husband to come home the next day. I should have told him, you know, no, you know what, Han, I'm not feeling this. I think that we should send so and so on her way. But I didn't say that because she had drove a little ways to get to us and I felt people pleasing. And then after I went home and I couldn't sleep, I should have called my husband and said, you know what babe, I'm ready for you to come home. But I didn't do that. I don't know why I didn't do that, but I didn't do that. Anyway, when he came home, I was so stressed out, not mad at him, mad at myself, but knowing that we had to change the boundaries, knowing that I felt like I was done. Like I didn't want to be in the lifestyle anymore. Do you remember that conversation babe? Oh yeah, I remember it very well. So this person I wasn't picking up any of the red flags my wife was. How someone feels about something? You don't belittle them and say, oh, it's silly for feeling that way. You don't belittle your partner's feelings. You acknowledge them and you try to understand why they felt that way. This woman, we had a great time. We sent her on her way the next day. I came home and she was pretty distraught and I was kind of blindsided by her reactions. So at that point, we decided, you know what? We need to reset, recalibre and reconnect. So we took the following four weeks break from a lifestyle that happened to be Christmas New Year's and then the January. We started talking about re-entering the lifestyle late January and I couldn't quite do it. I couldn't quite do it. But I went in my husband too because I know how much fun he has and I love watching the joy in his face. So I sent my husband out to the lifestyle a couple times late January and then February. And then March came and I felt comfortable with my break to re-enter the lifestyle scene. So I went to a couple lifestyle parties and just to your slowly re-enter, right? That was fun. Re-entering the scene was great. One of my wife's issues about the lifestyle is expectations. I've learned that if we're meeting someone for dinner, sometimes there's hopeful play expectations afterwards. My wife is like a cat so if there's a play expectation that's going to make her like, nope, I'm good. Let me explain. If you go to a friend's house and your friend has a cat and that you happen to see the cat when you enter their house and you say, oh, you have a cute kitty cat. Hey, kitty, kitty, come over here. Hey, kitty, kitty, and you want to pet the cat, right? You're trying to call it over to you. You might be lucky if the cat goes up to you and starts purring and loving on you. But most of the time the cat's going to run away and hide because the cat doesn't want that direct spotlight attention. But if you sit and mind your business, maybe you're watching TV with your friend eating some popcorn and then all of a sudden, meow, out comes the cat, jumps on the couch and starts loving on you. Not because you called it. It's honestly interested in you and it's curious about you. It's a curious kitty and it comes out and then it says, you can say hi to me. You can pet me. You can engage with me. When my husband says I'm like a cat, that's kind of like what he means. If you're giving me spotlight attention, you're going to freak me out and scare me away. If there's expectations, that is equal to spotlight attention. I don't respond well to expectations. It just gives me anxiety and who can have fun and pleasure when they're feeling anxiety. With that in mind, the type of scenarios my wife typically happens to participate physical play in are almost all organic in nature. Spontaneous. Not planned organic. She thrives more in the local house party scene because if there's eight couples playing, she can focus on one or two people that she might be interested in, play with them individually or together or what the situation has. Then when she wants to be done, she can feel okay about stepping out of the room or leaving the room because there's other people to take the attention off of her absence. Absolutely. When it's just a swap situation or a threesome. And she steps out of the room. Her absence is immediately noticed by all parties. Yeah, there's no way for me to take a break and not feel guilty. This kind of behavior is usually seen as like there's something wrong. But usually with my wife, it's not that there's something wrong. It's just that she's had her fit. Well, it's more than that because I'm also a giver. It has to do with over stimulation and I have to decompress. I need to get away from the crowd. decompress, find my inner peace, then jump back in and have a great good time again. That's why I need a break. It's over stimulation. Okay. I mean, yeah. I'm going to be a total nerd for a moment. So feel free to skip 30 seconds if you want to. No, I'm playing. Don't skip 30 seconds. I am studying astrology. And you guys would not believe astrology charts. It literally will say in your astrology chart, if you are a sexual being and if you're not a sexual being. And people are so over sexual, they can't help it. It's just in their DNA. And if you're married to someone like that or if you're dating or partnered with someone like that, it's important that that person gets that sexual experience because it's literally who they are. It's like if you have a passion, like maybe it's traveling and you can never travel ever again. That would be kind of boring, right? Well, if you have that sexual trait in your astrology chart, like it's in your DNA. So my husband has that and I see that and I encourage it. I just, and I love to watch it. And if I can watch it when I'm being, when I'm very engaged and I could feel the energy in the room and sometimes if the woman or the couple is talking to me about what they're feeling and I can read their expressions and body language, I sometimes feel it inside me too. Like it's incredible. And then you know, sometimes it's not so vocal and it's very quiet and dry and it's okay to watch because I love watching my husband have sex. No, it's not. You don't like watching that. You don't like watching that kind of play. I've learned that about my wife. She will. She will be like, no, I'm good. And this isn't even fun to watch. So I'm going to leave. If I'm not liking the person, I'm not going to have fun watching. If I'm liking the person, but they're dry and they're not giving vocal, then I'll just watch you for a little while. I don't think liking the person is the right, the right way to describe it. Okay. I tracked it. That's, I think that's closer because if you really didn't like them, I think you just simply wouldn't, you would say, hey, I really would prefer you not to play with them. That's my failed story. I just said. I didn't really like her. Yeah. But I wanted to play Kate and I wanted to please. But that was the old version of you before processing right now. The new version of you, you've got new self confidence about being able to speak up for yourself. Right. I would say if I had to redo that day all over again, I would say thank you. So much for driving up to me us. It has been a pleasure getting to know you tonight. I'm not feeling comfortable for play, but maybe in the future. And I would have said, did it just sound like a country boy there? You did. You sounded like a little country boy for a moment there, babe. And I would have said exactly the same thing and supported my wife and walked out of the room. I had a recent play experience. What was it three days ago? Okay. So I recent one. Yeah. It was a two hour drive to meet a friend that I had played with before. So she was desperate for having another experience. Well, actually, I set that up for you, babe. Yeah, you did. I totally reached back out to her. You did. And she was very hyper eager to accept and make this happen. Yes. Okay. So was I. I'm not arguing with you. Again, it was a two hour drive out there. We got a hotel. We met at the hotel at about 5.30. I believe it was. We got a quickie 45 minute play session out of the way. Then we went and had dinner at a very nearby restaurant. Went back to the hotel and from eight until four, it was back to back on and off sex play sessions. But four was the cut off because I had another two hour drive back to get to the house. Well, I gave him homework for that night. Yeah, you did. That was almost your first time going out since the big fail for a single woman who almost. Your homework that night was to come back. This was very new for me because I'm sensitive to smells. Come back smelling like her. So don't take a shower this time. My wife wanted to participate in this meeting I had with this single female. But she didn't want to participate herself physically. So what she decided to do was give me a homework assignment. And that was her way of participating. And it involved collecting a video, which we will not share with anybody, and pictures. And... Well, the homework assignment wasn't video. That was extra credit that you did. That was brownie points, right? My homework assignment was a picture of her post sex on. And you did that. When the teacher gives you a homework assignment and there's brownie points at the end and overachiever will say the brownie points were part of the homework assignment. Yes, you were an overachiever. Thank you. You pleased to women that night. That's right I did. We've been in lifestyle for about five years now. And we have changed our boundaries all throughout the five years. All the time. Don't feel bad about changing boundaries. And if your partner wants to change something, give them a solid, you know, listen and hear them out. We highly recommend to pivot. Because we want the boundaries are established to protect your marriage. Or your relationship. Or, yeah, your relationship is what I mean. And so sometimes the boundary is, okay, well, we're not going to be in the lifestyle for X number of weeks, months, years. That can mean different things for different relationships. I'll give you an example. There are some couples that have stepped away from the lifestyle. And what that means for them is they will not engage in physical activity with other people. To them, it's still okay to maintain communication with their lifestyle friends. Just not physical contact. Just not physical contact. Whereas others, when they say they are taking a break from the lifestyle, their social media is usually shut down. You don't hear from them. You can't reach them. They don't contact you. You can try to contact them. They may or may not respond. They're definitely not meeting you. And they're definitely not involving themselves physically with other people. And then sometimes when people say they're taking a break from the lifestyle, they'll shut down everything and their profiles disappear altogether. You don't even know if they're coming back. So when you guys decide to take a step out of the lifestyle, also have a communication about what that's going to mean for the two of you. And sometimes it's okay to say we're going to take a step away from the lifestyle. I don't know when we're coming back. You also have to look at this. Why are you taking a step out of the lifestyle? Obviously it's because someone's love tank isn't full 100%. That's usually one of the reasons. Or someone has been wounded by the lifestyle. Maybe it has nothing to do with their love tank, but there's a wound there. And so now what caused the wound? How can we prevent the wound from occurring again? Those types of conversations could be had. If you cannot believe or have a feeling of safety that that wound could not happen again, then that person might never feel okay to re-enter the lifestyle because they don't want to experience that wound again. There's been a couple that I've had my eyes on for a few years now. I just haven't really spoken up about. And recently I reached out to them and they were receptive. And we put on calendar dates to actually meet up and get to know each other. And about five days later they sent out quick private message. Sorry, we're dealing with some family things. We're going to be taking a break. And then they deleted their picture from their profile and they haven't been online and ever since. So it's kind of sad. Like, I hope everything turns out okay for them. There's a couple that I remember, we wanted to get really close to this couple. And they took a step away from the lifestyle and they have never re-entered. I do remember that couple. The guy was very intelligent. He loved talking. He had a great cock. And actually I was the second female he ever had sex with. So I kind of hold that as an award, kind of like his wife. Not an award, baby. You cherish that. I do. You cherish that. And he had such a great brain like stimulate your mind. He's my freaking slogan for my podcast. He stimulated my mind. He was so inquisitive. And his wife was gorgeous. She was just pale, skinned, a beautiful face, curly hair, fun size, just a beautiful couple altogether. And then there was another couple that we became best friends. And like we called each other sisters. And then they left. And they... So the husband gets deployed every now and then. And so that deployment causes long periods of separation between us. And then in their own relationship it seems like the husband was going off on a lot of solo play sessions and the wife was no longer really getting involved. And it seemed like she was kind of taking a step out of the lifestyle on her own accord. And one thing led to another where she had to say, "I'm sorry, I can't be friends anymore." And that broke me for days because I don't get close to very many people and I have allowed myself to get close to her. And so when they took a step out, that really hurt. I would like to say for us having had relationships with a couple couples now who have stepped away from the lifestyle, I would like to say that I wish I would have had an opportunity to have another conversation with these couples and let them know we would love to be your friends. We never have to play with you. Exactly. I, because I know for a fact the intelligent guy and the intelligent guy, we would be friends with them. Totally. Never pressure them ever again. We never have to play. And we would never have to play and I would just enjoy their company. Exactly. I wish they didn't had just cut us off. Yes. But that in mind, if you're thinking about stepping away from the lifestyle, if you've made any connections, maybe those connections will be willing to be friends with you still. Try talking to them. It's a vulnerable conversation, but if they really care about you, it's going to be okay. And if they don't really care about you, or you're taking a step back anyway, so see you later. For those of you who have stepped out of the lifestyle, maybe send us a message and explain why you stepped out of the lifestyle, what actions occurred, or maybe you stepped out and then you stepped that back in. Give us some of your stories. We would like to hear about it so we can add that knowledge to our listeners and experience. And maybe we can even bring one of those experiences up on one of our future podcasts. That would be incredible. All right, guys. Talk to you next time and tune in to stimulate your mind. Stimulate your mind. Thank you so much for listening to Swingology. I'm truly honored to have you as a listener. If you liked what you've heard, consider subscribing to our podcast or connecting with us on social media. The links can be found with the episode show notes. This is Tori Kist reminding you to stimulate your mind.[Music][BLANK_AUDIO]

People on this episode

Head Shot

Tori & Steve Kist

Host